Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
