batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
