Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
