Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
