Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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