oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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