I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?