you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
