OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
