I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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