You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
