Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
