He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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