I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
