dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
