you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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