My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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