Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
