i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
