I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
