there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
