Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
