i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
