my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
