Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
