Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
