you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
