At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My pussy is not your playground.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
