The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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