you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
