What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
