i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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