I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We smell like vodka and hangover
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