Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
