I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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