I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
