The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
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She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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