I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
