Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
