You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
