my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
