You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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