just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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