You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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