can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
be right there i have to get my cape
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
