What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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