I CAN MOONWALK!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Everclear isn't food dammit
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
