I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
