you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
