I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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