Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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