I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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