you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
