I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
