1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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