Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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