about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
