soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
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He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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