then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
