How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
