i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
