Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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